INT. ALEX’S ROOM - NIGHT
Alex sits on his bed, writing in his diary.
ALEX (V.O.)
I’m afraid I think I’ve made my decision, that one I probably decided a long time ago.
EXT. SHORE - NIGHT
Alex is walking along by the water, occasionally trying to skip stones.
ALEX (V.O.)
I don’t know if I can actually go through with it or not.
The final decision will have to come when I actually see her.
But after all this, I have to believe that it’s for the best,
that it’s the right thing to do. I’ll just continue to feel
terrible about things myself and I’ll just keep on hurting
her, even if she doesn’t admit it. She told me before that
she’d feel terrible for quite some time but she’d survive. I
can’t go on doubting myself, I have to be honest about us.
The last thing in the world I want to do is hurt her. I once told
her that if we ever broke up the first thing I’d want to do
is go to her to cry on her shoulder...
INT. RESIDENCE HALLWAY
Alex walks up the hallway, looking at the names on the doors as he goes.
ALEX (V.O.)
So what would the end result be? Do we go our separate ways,
never to see each other again, do we stay friends, could she
handle that? Could I handle that? All this is just so terrible,
and the worst thing is, I have already done the deed. I have decided.
It’s no longer a decision I make once I see her again for a while,
it’s there. When I walk in the door and see her, it’s there, I know
it. I can’t hug her and kiss her and pretend everything is okay.
But then I can’t just walk in and say "Hi, we’re breaking up."
Alex walks up to one of the doors and knocks softly on it. It slowly begins to open.
INT. ALEX’S ROOM - DAY
Alex stares at a diary showing the last few words “Hi, we’re breaking up.” at the top of a page. He closes the book and sets it down on the desk. Beside the diary is a framed picture of a girl. There is also a gold chain with a heart, several snapshots, and various papers scattered about. He begins playing with the necklace around his neck and then looks at the photograph. He gets up from his chair and walks around the room. Then he looks back towards the photograph.
ALEX
So why do I feel so horrible? All I can do is think of getting her back.
Would my main reason be to make me happy or make her happy?
I don’t know if I’m capable of deciding right now. I’ve been reading
through the last few months in my diary but it’s only convincing me
more
that I want her back. I want to start over, I want to love her. But
if we do
get back together again it has to be pretty definite. We can’t just
say we’ll try again. You can’t break someone’s heart twice and still
live
with yourself. How is she feeling right now? No, that’s not something
I should be asking. My decision should have nothing to do with
her feelings. I have to deal with my own. God, I just feel as if
everything has lost its meaning. Why should I brush my teeth, shave,
comb my hair, who’ll care? I’ve found myself these last few days not
looking both ways before crossing the street, like I’m tempting fate.
I find myself defending every single problem that was so terrible
just three days ago. I can’t help thinking about her.
Alex calms down slightly and sits down.
ALEX
Look, lets try and be realistic here. How will I feel if we do get together?
I mean what has changed? Aren’t we still the same people we were last
week? The problems haven’t vanished, they’re only diminished by
everything else. Do I suddenly say I realize how much I do care for
her?
I really do want to be so much like her. I am sure of that. I see her
innocence, her honesty, how loving she is, how spontaneous, I
want to be like her. God, I need her.
Alex gets up again and goes over to the window.
ALEX
If I saw her walking by right now I’d run out into the street after
her. All morning I’ve been looking out almost hoping she’d be there.
God, one phone call would take it all away. Is it wrong to want her
back? I know she’d take me back.
Alex picks up a pen, goes to write something and then pauses.
ALEX
So if I’m so sure of all this right now, why am I hesitating? It’s like
I feel as if I need someone else’s advice. Maybe it’s just because
it’s
an important decision. I don’t know, maybe I’m unfairly biased by my
emotions right now. How could I not be? I love her. I know she’d take
me
back. But maybe that’s the problem, she would take me back, she’d let
me abuse her like that. But what’s she going through now? I want to
write
a letter, I want to write one right now, leave it under her door telling
her
where I’ll be if she wants to talk. Imagine how she’d react if I showed
up again, she’d be so happy, so excited-
Alex sits down again.
ALEX
God, I was just picturing that. Picturing how excited she’d be, how
she’d make such a big scene. And I suddenly felt myself worrying
if other people were around, if others could hear, I was worrying about
being embarrassed. Doesn’t that sum it all up there? My heart and mind
have
never been fully with her. I’m always judging and analyzing her. I
always
seem to be watching everything from the outside. God, I was so unfair.
I’m so sorry. I want to love her so badly. But do I love her? Yes I
think I do.
Oh, but I need to know if I love her enough, if I love her the right
way. But
doesn’t it have to be simply yes or no. You love someone or you don’t.
I told
her I loved her, I don’t want to think that I lied. But I just don’t
know right
now. Would the feelings be right this time? Oh I want her back so badly.
I don’t
know what’s wrong or right. All the so called problems we have, do
I accept
them, try to fix them, be that way myself, what? Perhaps I’m being
too
hasty, maybe I just need to think about it all some more.
Alex gets up again and walks to the other side of the room.
ALEX
So why the rush? Because I’ve never felt so horrible in my life that’s
why.
I want this pain to end. Maybe I’m trying to take the easy way out.
She’s
not going to go out and find herself someone new in a week or two
I have to believe that what I did was right. Even if I find that
I do truly love her, then it was right. I simply needed this time away
to
realize it. Maybe it can give me time, that is what I need, to gain
a little
perspective, put some distance between me and the past. But right now
that doesn’t make me feel any better. I don’t know, I guess it’s like
I feel
that I’ve lost my innocence. I’ve suddenly become the bad guy. Everyone
naturally assumes she broke up with me because they know I could never
do such a thing. I’m supposed to be the martyr. I’m the guy that’s
good at
getting hurt. I don’t hurt people. But I hurt her.
Alex looks at his reflection in the mirror.
ALEX
And why? Because you didn’t love her, that’s why. You keep saying
“Oh I didn’t love her enough”, “I loved her like a sister.” Damn it,
you
just did not love her. It’s not that you didn’t try, for nearly two
years you
tried. But love is something magical, something constant, not something
that's only there seeing her after being away for a few weeks, not
something
that’s only there huddled under blankets at two in the morning. It
is simply
there. In the way she talks, eats, smiles, breathes, everything. Right
from
the start you knew, but you wouldn’t believe it. You finally found
someone
who loved you. How could it be possible that you couldn’t love her
back?
You broke up with her for one reason, and you’re looking at it now.
For
every time you looked in the mirror and couldn’t look yourself in the
face
when the reflection asked you for the truth.
Alex pauses and slowly walks away from the mirror. He heads over to his desk.
ALEX
So I guess that’s it, isn’t it.
He holds up the picture for a moment.
ALEX
I’m sorry.
Alex kisses the picture softly and puts it away in a drawer. His finger begins playing with the chain around his neck and then he removes it and places it in the drawer next to the other one. He walks over to the door and turns out the light.
Well, that was me pouring out my woes nearly six years ago. God, has it really been that long? Most of this came right out of my diary and I just changed it around a bit to make it like a short one-man play. Part of me figures that it's not the kind of thing anyone wants to read themselves. It's sort of like throwing up after eating something really bad. It's good to get it out of your system and you feel much better afterwards, but no one really wants to look at it. Any thoughts? If so, you can shuttle them on over to my contact page